


Something I Could Never Have

by KiwiGrey1998



Category: Metal Gear
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gay Male Character, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Not Canon Compliant
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:40:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28237080
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiwiGrey1998/pseuds/KiwiGrey1998
Summary: In which Otacon is coming to terms with losing the love of his lifealternatively Shitty one shot attempt at writing mgs content
Relationships: Otacon/Solid Snake
Kudos: 7





	Something I Could Never Have

**Author's Note:**

> I've only finished 1-3 and started 4 so this takes place post 2 roughly.
> 
> It's inspired by the songs Something I Can Never Have by NiN(Flyleaf cover) and My Immortal by Evanescence

_Dave,_

_I heard writing letters was a good way to deal with grief, I thought it wouldn't hurt to try it so...The first night without you in my bed was the hardest Dave. I couldn't believe you were gone, just like Wolf or Julie... I told you I wasn't meant for love Dave. You changed my mind, you... you were so loving. You were sweet, I don't think anyone else ever really knew this side of you. That was reserved for when we were alone, when the day was done and you could finally relax with a coffee while I worked just abit longer. I miss the weight of you in our bed, it's so empty without you, it's too quiet. I'm sorry I ever complained about the nightmares, I'd give anything to wake up and help you througha nightmare or flashback again. I'd give anything to.._

"Fuck I feel so stupid, I'm a grown man." Otacon muttered to himself tears stinging at his eyes as he erased the document. "I'm fine, I'm no stranger to losing-" wracking sobs cut through him, taking deep breaths to steady himself he shut off his computer and went to make coffee. He caught himself as he grabbed Snakes mug and pushed it back on the shelf a little harder than needed. 

It had been a month since the funeral, two since he got the earth shattering visit from the Colonel to inform him his lover would never be returning home. He swallowed that thought and poured some of Snakes favorite whiskey into his coffee, taking a deep swig straight from the bottle. _"Forget the feel of his arms wrapped tight around me, Forget the smell of his cologne tinged with sweat, Forget his beautiful eyes, Forget how he helped me cope with Julie and EE, Forget how his skin shone in the candle light...just drown it out Hal"_ He thought desperately as he crawled into bed with the coffee and whiskey,drinking enough to slip into a dreamless state.

* * *

_Dave,_

_It's been 6 monthes, I see you everywhere. No matter what I do I can't feel ok, I can't forget the pain. I'm a mess without you. You're the very air I breathe to me and I'm not coping well without it. I've thought about joining you but I know you wouldn't want that. You must hate how I've spiralled. But I feel so fucking weak these days. Raiden found Olgas girl though...I'm gonna try to be better for her if nothing else but I fucking miss you..._

Otacon sighed as finished typing out the message, he saved it and got up. He had been sober for two days, a record as of late. He wanted to make an improvement to the apartment and himself before she arrived. Sunny he thought she was called. Otacon set to cleaning up and disposing of alcohol. Keeping just enough for one more night. He wanted one last night of bliss, sometimes when he was drunk enough he would swear Snake was there.

Crawling into bed that night, he could only think about Snake and remember the times spent together. He truly hoped that having someone to take care of would spell a good change on the horizon for him.


End file.
